Whole 15.8

This is incredibly difficult for me to write.

I’m quitting Whole30.

I’m not a quitter. Sure, I think about quitting stuff all the time. But I don’t! When I’m working out and I can’t breathe and my right knee is clicking and sweat rolls all the way down to my underwear, I tell myself “Never quit. Never give up.” And somehow I make it to the end every time.

But I’m done.

Could I finish? Absolutely. I’m halfway there. I can suck it up. I can tell myself “Never quit. Never give up.” I could resist all the temptations and finish this thing.

But I’m not going to. This is a calculated decision, not a I-couldn’t-resist-the-cake-and-now-I-hate-myself decision. So let’s talk about it. (At the time of this writing I have yet to eat anything non-compliant)

Why I’m quitting:

  1. I’m so frackin’ tired of:
    • Cooking.
    • Doing dishes.
    • Grocery shopping every 3-4 days for produce.
    • Every thought being about food, both what I can and can’t have.
    • Having dreams about drinking frappacinos in DisneyWorld.
    • Saying no.
    • Stomach pain.
    • The lack of appetite.
    • The loss of enjoying a meal.
    • Meat.
    • Obscure intense cravings.
    • Moodiness.
    • Being tired.
  2. I haven’t noticed any improvements in any form. My body aches. My allergies have gotten worse, not better (at this very moment my ear is killing me the way it did before I had my tonsils out almost 2 years ago). I feel like vast quantities of meat are rotting in my stomach. It’s fairly uncomfortable. I had chocolate chili today for lunch (which is seriously delicious and a recipe I’ll keep making) but I burped it up afterward. Sorry if that’s TMI but I want you to get the full picture.
  3. I’m 25 days away from taking my professional engineering exam (8 HOURS of intense horribleness) and after spending 4-6 hours a day studying on the weekends, I just want to clear my head by having a beer or white Russian and watching a B-rated fantasy film.
  4. $463. That’s how much I’ve spent on groceries this month. March 1 – March 23. One person. $50 was pre-Whole30 junk food splurging. $40 was Whole30 approved condiments and dressings from Tessemae’s. The rest was mostly meat. Yeah, I could do it cheaper. I could buy inhumane meat from any store, but I would feel like an awful excuse for a human being. My usual budget is $250 for groceries and I feel like that’s high so I’m choking a bit on this month’s budget (and the month isn’t even over).
  5. My workouts have steadily gotten worse. I feel more out of shape, out of breath, and out of energy each day. There have been moments of intense lightheadedness. Last night, I felt like someone was standing on my chest. Maybe it’s just me but it seems like the opposite of what should be happening with healthy eating. Being able to workout and build muscle is too important to me right now.
  6. It’s a complete time suck. The prepping, cooking, cleaning, planning, plotting, daydreaming, dreading, and time spent “in high hopes” on the toilet… it’s getting old. I’m a planner by nature and I’ve been meal planning for well over a year, but this is a whole new realm and I don’t want to live here anymore.
  7. I can’t remember the last time I had a graham cracker. But round about Day 10, I would have beat a kid up for one. I’m not exaggerating. I’m suddenly craving foods I don’t even eat anymore. Not just craving, but craving in a way that makes me feel angry. And that’s not okay.
  8. Most vegetables I used to eat, I now find repulsive. I used to eat broccoli for breakfast and my friends thought I was crazy. Now I cringe at the thought of eating it. I haven’t touched green beans. I don’t even miss the corn and green peas I can’t have. I’ve had so many peppers they’re coming out my pores (mainly because they aren’t coming out elsewhere). Whole30 seems to be having a negative impact on me and I know why. I’m a rebel. If you asked my mom, she would probably tell you I’ve been like this since birth. If you tell me not to do something (assuming it’s not illegal), I’m going to do it. And if you tell me to do something, I will fight it with my entire being even if it’s the logical thing to do. I can’t help myself. I’m independent. I need to do things my way. Don’t tell me what to do!
  9. I just want a biscuit.

I know die-hard whole30ers will tell me I just need to push through. That I haven’t reached the days when everything becomes magical. And I say to those people “You’re not me. Get off my blog.”

I believe in Whole30. I believe in the amazing changes it’s having on people and how it’s improving the way we think of diets in America. I believe in it’s ability to heal the sick. But I don’t believe it’s for me. Not 100% anyway.

I’ve learned a lot of things from this journey and I plan to keep moving forward with a structured diet, but one that’s more sustainable in the long run. I would like to stick to Lisa Leake’s real food rules at home and only splurge when I eat out. I live a single life and going out with friends is one of my greatest joys. However, I do need to limit myself. Before Whole30, there were way too many Chickfila stops and lunches out with coworkers. I’m thinking 1 lunch with coworkers and 2 meals with friends each week in the future.

And a monthly chicken biscuit. Cause life without chicken biscuits isn’t really life.

*I started writing this as a way to decide if I truly want to quit. Now that I’m at the end, I do want to quit. I feel relieved. I’m also tired, have a headache, and want to stick something sharp in my ear to let off some pressure. And I feel inwardly shakey. Not sure what that’s about but it’s weird.

Tonight I’m going to Nama (a sushi restaurant in Knoxville) with friends before going to Banff Mountain Film Festival (highly recommend trying to catch this in your area!). I’ll get something simple and avoid the soy. I don’t want to add back too many things at once so I’ll start with the rice (and maybe some alcohol) and hold off on the cream cheese that I would normally get. Not sure how my body will handle this but I don’t expect problems since I’ve never had any serious food sensitivities.

 

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